4 years in remission… missing what you never had

Welcome to new readers, and welcome back to those family members and loved ones who still read my ramblings. This is my yearly check in, and reflection piece on were I am, and how I have come forward.

So I had originally planned to write this sitting in an Air bnb in Marseilles at the end of last week with my girl friend coming to the end of a 4 day trip, and our first one together. But as with so many of you who are reading this, life has not quite turned out how we planned.

In this current situation, their is an irray reminder for to many of my fellow cancer friends, Im sure along with myself of how we had to approach our time whilst on treatment. Getting on to what is the point of the above statement haha. I am going to try and cover two aspects of this current situation, relate it to my cancer experience four years ago and how it has impacted me these last four years lets see how well I do it.

First maybe something to not help, but add some perspective to those around the country and the world who unfortunately have had FOMO enforced on them. Proms, end of year exams, graduation etc being cancelled. What I will try and do in this section is to reflect on how I have learnt to appreciate key memories, even if it is not the one everyone tell you, you should remember.

Second a little personal reflection to everyone out their, about how do you approach just trying to get through everyday. Time is going to happen. Just try to think about how you can use it, keeping some kind of a routine and think about others.

Peoples current situation

Every day especially as we approach the end of what would have been the academic year, more and more people are being told the “life event” which they had planned their whole year around is not going to happen. In your teens and early 20’s something that unfortunately you are aware, is how much you only experience something once in life at that time. You will only have one prom, one first year of university at the age of 18, one graduation with those friends who have got you through the last three years. But often the thing which you only appreciate when you are on the other side of things, is how much you are told you need to appreciate these events. But something you learn to appreciate is how much your perspective is developed from others expectations of you, instead of giving you the head space to understand your own.

What I missed

Cancer took a lot from me. Primarily, the thing which possibly took the longest to get over, was not being able to end my university days how I felt like I deserved to have. Because if everyone else, that I had seen in the movies, social media etc, then why not me. But over time that is what I have learnt to appreciate the insignificance, that one day has on how you view your life to this date. What you remember yes might have been that day, but it is also the thousand other parties, the late nights in the library's, that one lunch were you were honest with your friends for the first time.

A privilege which I hope many of you, a huge understand considering the circumstance we find ourselves in, is that your world will move on. The world will keep spinning tomorrow. You still need to wake up in the morning, go out and try and find a way to help to feel like the world is going to better today. I think something in a way I have always felt in secure about, is that by missing the end, you lost the friends along the way.You weren’t in the photos and so you are not part of the memories. However something that I have found over the last four years is that eventually you find those people you maybe thought, you would secure at university. I have remembered the memories with those friends.

You have such great and interesting lives ahead of you. You will meet, and then lose so many friends, that yes not getting that final good bye at university hurts. This won’t be the last time that it hurts, im afraid. But their will and for me have been so many great memories to make the feeling of loss improve. I am lucky to have found love and that has helped make things better.

Life from a day to day perspective

To close, something I just wanted to touch on is how to adapt to the days of being stuck in doors. Especially for those, who for what reason feel like their structure has been taken away. When I was going through treatment, especially when I was moved home my primary focus was just being able to get through the day. I am sure for many of you, that might be your mind set going into tomorrow. However what I suspect most of you will be thinking about tomorrow, is how can you ensure you in some way are productive with the time you have the privilege to take advantage of. For many of us who are still working, that might be are own physical fitness. It might be using the evening to check in with your neighbors.

To close, I hopefully have one more of these to write coming next year. It will be a interesting retrospective piece, I have know idea what experience I have to come. But this year more importantly on the cancer world will bring a lot of last, last scans, last hospital trips. The world will move on, and I continue to be grateful to have the opportunity to try and make it better, and maybe enjoy it a little along the way.