Double Disabled and Still Trying to work it out

I write this story, as I enter my 27 year of life and as I approach 4 years in the wonderful working world. As I am now past up to this anniversary for me of public service, I am faced with that immortal questions that many people think about everyday, or not, which is what am I doing with my life? What did I want to be doing with my life, and what skills have I been able to gain over the last nearly four years to actually help me get were I want to be.

But the other thing that I am also reflecting on, as I get to my late twenties is that immortal question of is this what you wanted to be doing. Why are you doing what you are doing.

I have been told, nearly every day since entering the world of work, about how you are only in your twenties once and are almost questioned as to why you are spending it in the world of work. I have often heard thee immortal “when I was your age… I traveled around [Insert distant country probably but not exclusively in south east asia]. When I first entered the world of work, the answer was easy, you try planning a trip around the world when you have just had cancer and need to have appointments every 3 months. But as I am now thankfully over 5 years in remission that is becoming a little less of an excuse. So I am left with a question and a reflection, of were am I, what am I doing, what do I want to be doing, and what have I gained over the last years to get me to a place of being happy. I write this piece partly as threapy to myself but maybe to be useful to someone, trying to make choices about were they want to be and why they want to be there.

However before we begin, a few caveats just before you start thinking this guy is very self indulgent. I am from a secure socio economic background, I have only had a career in the public sector, and I am someone being on the autistic spectrum constantly question and struggle to understand my relationships to others.

Coming out of Uni

I finished my Masters in 2018, and through luck, Brexit and timing found myself starting my career in something called the “direct appointments scheme”. Now an important thing to recognise here is just because you are told something is a scheme doesn’t make it a scheme. I was given a contract, and essentially told to get on with it, and fingers cross you make it through 6 months. Now I think the thing to point out here, is that when you have just moved to London, the prospect of a graduate scheme being on a cohort vs getting paid more money and you have more control over your career which one would you do? And at the age of 22, what sense do I have actually knowing how to work the system to actually make sure I am developing in the way I want. Control over your career essentially means, their is no safety net if you survive great, but you better just keep surviving because their is no end point. But what I also realized, that I missed out on was also the social almost uni esc experince of going through something with other people your own age. Being able to share the same experiences of working out the world together. You sign yourself up to a system, because it feels like the right thing to do, and the why once I had the money would I take the step back. I think the point I am trying to reflect on here, is that if you can financially manage less money, go on the scheme and it will likely work out for you in the long term.

Making that first move

After a year in my first role, essentially trying to survive, and get to understand the world around me, I decided now was my time to make my move. I came out of university, having not just done my under graduate but also making an active choice, after finishing my treatment for testicular cancer, to go get a master. I had decided that I wanted to pursue a career in International development getting a master now will survive me in the long term.

A first job can either be one of two things, you either realise you have found your calling or you realise you won’t be returning here any time soon. I ended up at the Department for International Development, working on European Union Policy. Now having only been a year in government, having made it to a place were people talked about it taking them 10 years to get their I guess is an achievement right. But I think looking back actually just getting their after a year meant I went into a system which had no interest or incentive to develop young professionals. Now working on EU exit at that time was pretty exciting, despite working on it from the International Development perspective, at that time in political negotiations, meant our ability to do anything was tied to the many changes that was the UK exiting the EU.

Recognising when you have nothing to do

As I mentioned above, my ability to do thing and to some extent gain skills and experience from doing things, was very tied to the political negotiations at the time. As such when the administration changed, bringing in the current PM that also brought an end to what was my portfoilo, so to speak in my team. Now I reflect on that time, and with hindsight wished I had heeded the words of a mentor at the time, that this is not the job you signed up for. But when you did your first job for a year, and people keep telling you that you should have some continuity in your career, or people will judge it at interviews. So I was in a position of being in a place less than a year, and with a manager who despite his best intentions had no idea what to do with me. But again, when this is also a job when you feel like you had made friends of a similar age, you are not actively going to think about going back into the unknown again.

I then spent the next 3 to 6 months, coming into work every day not really sure not just what I was doing. I guess that is the great in efficiency of the civil service or any big organisation of underutilized resource unless someone is wise enough to recognise that they should get a new job. It is not in your management interest to admist to the rest of the organisation that they dont need the resource you represent, because you never know right???? But with nothing in front of me, not really sure what my “development” is going towards.

Doing your bit for the business(but only when it suits your manager)

When the pandemic began my Department, as we do in any crisis around the world, we went into crisis operation mode and people were asked to volunteer to be part of that operation. Now you would think that someone in my situation my team, would have admittedly put me forward. Not quite, because again when all you are is resource, it is only when they choose they don’t need you, even if you think they don’t need you, do you have the ability to go. This was the first time I had gone on surge, and so my mentality going in at a time of a global pandemic was to do my job for the country right just as so many other much braver front line workers were doing in every hospital in the country. What though I was not really thinking about, was being early in my career how this was helping “my development”. I ended up in a role, which was suited to the skill set I had developed previously, I did not think about how to find the right kind of different experiences available to me. I had an amazing time in this role, because really it gave me something to do during the pandemic. I felt like I was contributing. But for me the one thing I wasn’t thinking about, which I should of been saying to the three different line managers I had over 4 months was, what about me? But I guess you live and you learn right.

Lets go round again

After finishing one round you would have thought, that would have been that right. Not quite. You might also have thought that coming back from a role which probably should have been got rid off, my team would have developed something different for me to do. Make sure of me. Again not quite. .

The merger, of DFID and the FCO left my team in the position of being the one part of a huge operation focused on delivering on our exit from the European Union by the end of 2020, without directly contributing to it. As such you guessed it. Faced with a combination, of a job with a new Line manager that was not really sure what to do with me, and “being asked” if I would be willing to volunteer myself to more directly support the EU exit effort, working on foreign office policy areas.

I didnt really feel like I had many options. So what did the system needed me to do this time? I was asked to project manage what was the biggest EU exit transition project facing the Department. Now again, when the country is at time of crisis and I am being asked again to step up to help a national effort. The one thing which wasnt but should have been at the forefront of my mind, was making a big point to make sure everything was about me and my development. But when the world feels like its again collapsing around you, and the business needs you again, you are not exactly going to be that person to make everything about me. But maybe that is something I still need to work on.

Now I did the best job, I could and was grateful for the experience of that time. But, as I have said before I wanted to be a development person so were as other people might have viewed it as an opportunity to stay in that team. I still had it in my head I was looking for that development opportunity, to become the professional I wanted to be.

Looking for that excitement again

Now for those keeping track, in the same job I have been so to speak sent away twice to respond to the crisis of the moment. This time how ever, I recognised, unlike the last time, I needed to be finding a new job. But to go back to external factor number 2 the merger of my previous home department with my new home department. Now for those of you who have not experinced a corporate merger. What I thought I realised is that, you either want to be in one of two places. One is the operational side of things were unless you are told otherwise you know what you have to do, every day because you have an operation to deliver. The other place you want to be, because that is the only bit were stuff is happening, is as close to the centre as you can get right. Now I made a real effort to try and get those operational jobs but when you have spent a few years just doing what you are told to do/ nothing, you are not the most exciting candidate it appears. So were did I end up going, the centre. What I had recognised is that I needed a job were I had something to do. Otherwise how will I learn/ get better right. As such I went with a job, which I was at least sold had clear deliverables for me to get my teeth into.

Despite having had three job in the last 9 months, this was only the second time i’d had the rush of an application, an interview and being offered a job. The other fun thing about moving role in the middle of a corporate merger, is that HR, can’t be sure how long the role is going to be around. But when the other option for me was uncertainity, taking up a job were the maximum commitment they could offer me was 12 months, felt like a sensible decision. Now some of you reading this might be surprised to here someone in the civil service, talking about a short term contract. We are getting there with this whole functioning like an efficient organisation.

Now I think the other thing I had slightly failed to appreciate, is that depsite having what I thought was agreed deliverables. It is incredibly important to take time before agreeing a job, to not just get agreement from your new LM about these responsibilities. You should actively seek to understand what is their ambition for you, how do they view how you are able to contribute to the work of the organisation.

Before I knew it I became the one member of a five person team, who operated as the clean up crew for what ever crisis was in front of us that no one else, because they had defined job which contributed to the teams objectives. Mine seemed to go out of the window.

Now going back to my previous point about the 12 month contract, after 6 months in the job I have now received the news that my role will not exist come April of next year. So after feeling the relief in March, I was now back to were I started on back on the trail.

What can I do vs where everyone thinks you should be

When it came to finding my next job, after over 4 years as being “an adult” in the same industry you see a lot of your contemporaries begin to move up whilst you are exactly the same place you feel like you have been for years. However, again going back to the whole merger thing it is amazing how un thought through a job can be and yet you could still get it on promotion. In the end, I have been fortunate to find a new job which I will be starting in two weeks which I hope will give me the kind of experience to make me the kind of professional I had wanted to be when I left university.

What is coming next and what to think about

1. If you are in a financial situation to be able to, and you are moving to a new city go on the grad scheme.
2. The system doesn’t care about you, so have no shame in making it about you.
3. When thinking about a new job, be sure you know what you are being hired to do, but also make sure you understand how their manager thinks about your role in the organisation.
4. If you know what you want to do, I know that I am going to take my next job to build my experience before start to try and climb the ladder.
5. In terms of understanding why I am doing what I am doing, I am still not sure but now with my new role I at least feel like I will be doing something that feels like it has a purpose. Maybe that is the closet, anyone gets right.