One year out….4 years on
Wednesday represent a bit of another milestone in my young life, i will cross the threshold of my 4th year in remission. This is important for two reasons not only is it another year further away from were I have been, but also because it represents a count down to be officially out of the woods with cancer. What I want to do in the piece is extremely self reverential, and what could be described as navel gazy. But if you have got this far, why not stick with me, it might be interesting. In the last 4 years, I have changed a lot personally and professionally, always learning, always dealing with change. These “learnings” I have already bored you with in my previous pieces. Do check out my back log if you are interested. However for the purpose of this piece I am going to focus around Cancer.
I am going to try and organise my reflections around 3 ideas: 1) Where I was before 2) What this has taught me along the way 3) What I am still working to get better at.
- Where I was before?
When I look back on that young person who received that diagnosis, I think broadly speaking my world view was relatively similar to were I am now. However realizing it now, I appreciate the fact a lot of that had come from what I had been told to think based on what I saw on TV. I’ve had a pretty comfortable up bringing, in a relatively middle class up background, thanks to parents who worked hard to deliver that for me. I went to a tough but good school, which had some mix of demographics and socio economic backgrounds. But at the age I was at, I probably didn’t really appreciate how different everyone’s experiences of the world were. Even when I had gone to university, I began to have my eyes open but again it was from a university environment. I was the classic middle class, white university student. I was wanting to fight the good fight for equality, however, could I name 10 friends of mine who I was aware of, and actually took an active interest, in how they were struggling with the issues I claimed to care about? Probably not.
2) What this has taught me along the way
In a strange away, I am thankful for the time that cancer came in to my life. Let me explain for a second, something I have realized and this probably sounds cliches but “the older you get the more you learn”. As such, I am thankful that cancer came into my life and introduced me to similar young people dealing with what I was going to be dealing with, and it came at a time when I was able to combine not only empathy and a sense of injustice for my new friends, dealing with the failures of the benefit system. New friends, who came into my life as I did to theirs whilst they were staring at the uncertainty of where life was going next as young adults, now the immediate cancer treatment was over. Whilst at the same time I was able to escape that uncertainty, as they came into my life during my masters degree, which was helping me to lay the ground work for what was coming next for me.
Cancer gave me an understanding, firstly of my own privilege which I might have been “conscious of” before, but which I could later see staring right in front of me. This is not to say I viewed the many friends I have made along the way simply as people I had pity for. No. I hold them in much high esteem than I hold myself. I am no inspiration because of the fact I have had cancer, and neither are they. We are all inspiration for being what we are, which is simply young people trying to get by. Firstly, CLIC Sargent, and then the British Youth Council, gave me the opportunity to not only continue to learn, but allowed me to grow in my own self confidence that I can have my own ideas which can make a real difference to people in the world. I learnt that I can be put out in front of hundreds of people, and I might be able to string together a coherent sentence.
The other thing, which cancer has also taught me unfortunately, is that often when you are young you think of, and hopefully want, to change the world. You have a great idea, and you can’t understand A) why the adults can’t do it right here right now B) why hasn’t someone else already done it.
What I have learnt along the way, I think are probably the 2 things which have given me a perspective that has helped me to take every day as it comes. 1) The reason why your idea doesn’t become a reality tomorrow is because, firstly, it is hard, and secondly your perspective should always be to do everything you do correctly. I had to accept that a lot of the change I thought was needed in the system which supported young people, was not going to be the change I was going to deliver. What I was going to do, my impact, was making the small leap forward so that the next generation can build on that for the ultimate goal. 2) I could probably say this has been the thing which has represented the greatest frustration of my “activist” phase: why is it that I have got to be the one to try and drag this change through what ever machinery I was facing? What I have come to learn, is that often it has to be you because it just has to be you. But more importantly, if you really care about the things you love to wax lyrical about to everyone else, than how about you put your money were your mouth is.
3) What I am still going to be working on ?
As I enter the last 365 days, hopefully, continuing to identify myself “ as a patient in remission”, something that is going to feel strange is when, I think, I will no longer be classified as someone with a pre-existing condition. My health will go back to being, hopefully something most other 25 year old’s see it as. Be mindful, but not what it has been previously as being the thing that has driven everyone one of my career and life choices. It has been very depressing to look in jealousy at others ability to go and and see the world as something that is in front of them. However my first thought about where I want to be and what you want to see, always has to be but behind a “what happens if”, because you know what that feels like after having been there before.
Going forwards, my choices will be shaped purely on actually what I want and am able to achieve. I am someone who wants to go see the world, meet it and hopefully make it better for us all to live in it. This does not however mean, that for me cancer and continuing to care about the experience of those who are having to deal with it coming in to their lives,is were I am going next. Because to simply walk away from them, is not to recognize my own privileges that have got me this far. Over the next year, I am going to set myself a bit of a target to try and come up with something that answers these questions. If you have any ideas then let me know.
To conclude, I am a better man for the experiences that I have gone through. It has made me a better person. I have meet more people, which have given me a better grounding in the world that exists outside my front door. It has made me more confident, making me realize that maybe what I have got between my ears can be of some good in this world. But most importantly, my experience has made me realize that it is my privileges which have meant that, firstly, I am looking back on my cancer experience and I see it as a part of me; yes, but not my only way to self identify. Secondly, my privileges, my education, my family’s financial resources meant that I have been able to grow because of the opportunities I could afford. My job now, is to work out how to do something with that privilege.
p.s thank you to my GF for the amazing quality photo on the right of the above the shaky cam on the left comes from yours truly.
Also at this time of need if you are able to donate anything to a charity that I am an ambassador for CLIC Sargent that would be great.
