Recognizing yourself as you get older
Today in this weird world that we are all living in, I like so many others are having to understand what the world around us will be as we grow one step old. Something though that I think a lot of us have been able to use this time, is to be able to reflect on how we feel about our own company, when we are not meant to searching for the company of others. London is a quiter and less busy city than I have been able to enjoy the last nearly three years.
Often one of the reason people move to the big city is because they want to be in a place were they can just let life carry them on a wave. Instead of understanding who they are, and are becoming on this wave. Can get to that, either when the wave ends or when you are taken off it.
For those of you who know me, or have got to know me one thing that will define how you identify me is from cancer. i have probably mentioned it either one drunken or one sober night. I think everyone’s stories can get a little repetitive. Don’t pretend it hasn’t been ;) or maybe my sparkling personality at least has made an impression or at least that is what my mum tells me. I have always been someone who, I hope has not been afraid to not talk about who I am. Especially at work, I strive to yes make the world better for myself but also try to use platform I have been allowed to try and make my world a better place for people like me. I champion my disabilities, because often it gives me an identity that differentiate me from the norm, for my advantage. I also feel like so many of us, especially those of us who believe what we are following are “careers”. Often you can get so comfortable in the environment around you, because you tell yourself this is what you want to do. You achieve in this environment and so that puts away all of the internal monologue questioning if you are really focusing on every aspect of life that is not the 9–5. For me at has been realize you don’t feel the same level of focus to distract you from the basic questions everyone else often ask themselves. Are you happy, do you feel like you have a solid group of friends or just a few people? Or maybe its just us people who naturally don’t really understand the whole social thing.
So back to me Yes I have had cancer, but also I am on the autistic spectrum. I look back and realize that I have quite a strange relationship to my conditions. I have in an odd way have been able to use my conditions, to be able to try and take advantage's of the many opportunities a pretty smart guys like myself have been able to gain from them. I could list a lot of things, but why was it that I was in Westminster abbey to mark the NHS 70th birthday. Me haha.
But something I recognise in myself, is to actually appreciate that what I have are conditions. That comes with behaviors and ways of thinking, that impacts my decision making, impacts how I feel in the world outside the safety that is offered by work. Social engagement has always been a bit of an engima of mine. It is not something that has ever come naturally to me. I often do look back at school and realise that, I often hung around with people who made me feel constantly insecure in the environment. When you were not starting from the most solid mental base of understanding other kids, ending up being around people that only perpetuated that has probably not been helpful for the whole development thing. As I have got older I have gained friends, for which I am grateful. I in a weird way of always found the world a really interesting place, and as such has meant I can often be all over the map. Lots of my own little none interlocking world. However all to often I find myself look at others wondering how do people develop those long lasting relationships I think I kind of miss in a weird way in my life. Major FOMO I guess is another way to phase thing.
Being autistic for me, is constantly over thinking and often avoiding social engagement if it can be avoided. I often tell people that I am introverted extravert. I know slightly confusing. So let me explain. If you have meet me, one thing you might reflect on is that I chat a lot one on one or in a group. However for me in a group environment, at an event, or across the table from you, I often feel at ease because I kind of have to tell myself what’s the worst that could happen. Something I have really appreciated about myself that is linked to what I have put above, is the joys of often crippling anxiety. A common trait that is often associated with Autism or the specturm more generally is this idea of over stimulisation. For someone who is low function, that could appears related to aspects like noise they don’t find comfortable. For me someone who is I guess is “high functioning”, that can materialize as my own head trying to understand how I feel in this world. Trying to manage relationships, trying to understand how to take action in relationships, how to be yourself and not simply be the person everyone needs pushes you to be. Maybe that is something we are all going through, but just indulge me, it is my birthday after all.
So I am not sure what is the purpose of the above. But I guess, it is something that I have been thinking about for a while. As I get one step closer to my glorious 30’s, it is important to grow to appreciate, who you are warts and all. Recognising, how you can grow from those experiences, but also how you can recognise that somethings are just going to stay with you .You can pretend that they are not their, but as with most things it always comes back to bite.
Best
Your friend, enjoying his quarter life crisis.
